Der Witz zum Sonntag

[ditido]

That the matter of the time! The last information from Markus Stumpe Forum!
Do you’ve any questions? Ask the Administrator.
You can read a lot of answers here:

Q: Can I pick up my camper van in Auckland and drop it off in Darwin?(Belgium)
A: Sure, take a ferry, change the registration plates from New Zealand to Australian, and find a way to calm down the people you rented it from when they hear where their vehicle has ended up.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Ein Teil der Fragen hatte ich schon mal ins Deutsche übersetzt hier vorgestellt.
Aber in der Originalsprache (Englisch) erfasst man den Charme der Englisch sprechenen Menschheit doch viel besser. Oder?
ditido

[ditido]

Dieses sympathische Schild am Straßenrand ist eine Einladung zum Essen!



In Deutschland undenkbar. Aber in DU wohl eine normale Reklame.
Guten Appetit!
Aus Gründen des Datenscgutzes sind leider Aufforderungen zum Rauchen und zum Sex in Bildform in Deutschland in Australienforen nicht genehmigt.
Sucht Euch das Schild im Internet unter den Bilder von Subway selbst.
ditido

[ditido]

Treffen sich drei Freunde in eienm Pub. Zwei klagen, dass sie mit ihren Frauen ständig Ärger hätten. Nur der Dritte sagt nichts.
Als ihn seine Freunde darauf ansprechen, meint er trocken. "Gestern hat sie auf Knien vor mir gelegen!" Die andern bewundern ihn und wollen wissen, wie ihm das gelungen sei.
"Nun!" meint der Dritte trocken. "Sie ist auf die Knie gegangen und hat gerufen. Komm unterm Bett vor und kämpf wie ein Mann!"
ditido

[ditido]

Unterhalten sich zwei Freunde aus Bayern beim Sonntagschoppen. „Soso“ sagt der eine. „Deine Tochter war zur Erholung und zum Arbeiten in diesem Australien. Hat sie Dir denn auch was mitgebracht? „Jo mei“ antwortet der anders. „Dös is denn so. Nächste Woche ist Taufe!“
ditido

[ditido]

Es hat sich sicher schon herumgesprochen oder Australien Reisende haben es erlebt. Nicht alle Australier sind Edelmenschen. Und bei einem gewissen Prozentsatz der "Deutsch Australier" wird man das Gefühl nicht los, Sie halten sich plötzlich für „Besser Germans“. Natürlich kann man denen in unverblümter ehrlicher Manier sagen, dass man sie für Spinner oder Angeber hält. Ich persönlich sage zu diesen Leuten meistens nichts, und gehe einfach weg.
Es gibt aber auch die feinere Form, die sogar der englischen Etikette entspricht. Hier nun die Beispiele, die man wohl auswendig lernen muss.

THE TOP 22 POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

22. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
21. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
20. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
19. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
17. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
16. A few clowns short of a circus.
15. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
14. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
13. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
12. A few beers short of a six-pack.
11. A few peas short of a casserole.
10. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
8. One taco short of a combination plate.
7. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
6. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
5. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
4. As smart as bait.
3. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
2. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
1. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.



Viel Spaß beim nächsten Treffen mit „a stupid Australian“.
ditido

[ditido]

Old Australian Love
Two couples are meeting up after years of no see. John notices that throughout the evening his friend Paul always calls his wife by the sweetest names: ... Darling ... Sweetheart ... Sugarplum ...
When the old girls are out together in the powder room, John asks: "Paul, I noticed how you are turtling with your wife, I mean all those sweet names you called her by all evening. Can it be that after more than thirty years, your love is still as strong as the first day ?"
"You know, John, all evening I've been trying to remeber her name..."

Ob das einem Deutschen auch passieren kann? Was meint Ihr!

ditido

[ditido]

Aboriginal Joke
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”
The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
“Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.
The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”

ditido

[ditido]

Old Australian Love
Two couples are meeting up after years of no see. John notices that throughout the evening his friend Paul always calls his wife by the sweetest names: ... Darling ... Sweetheart ... Sugarplum ... When the old girls are out together in the powder room, John asks: "Paul, I noticed how you are turtling with your wife, I mean all those sweet names you called her by all evening. Can it be that after more than thirty years, your love is still as strong as the first day?"
"You know, John, all evening I've been trying to remember her name..."

Young Australian Love
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stan said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"

ditido

[ditido]

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
---------------------------------
Anmerkung: Als VB Trinker kann ich die Bedenken des zweiten Aussies voll nachvollziehen.
ditido

[ditido]

Hallo Forumfreunde, es ist zwar schon der 2. Juli, aber ich habe über die Pintubi Geschichten und über die Fertigstellung des Internetbuches über Tasmanien, das wir am 1. Juli schaffen wollten, den Witz total vergessen.
Hier nun das australische Schneewittchen als Nachtrag:

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
ditido

[ditido]

Da ich nicht weiß, ob ich den anstehenden Boxkampf im Superschwergewicht ohne Herzattacke überstehe, bringe ich den Witz lieber schon am Samstag.

In Alice Springs besucht ein Mann den Arzt seiner Frau, um die letzte Befunde abzuholen. Und er wundert sich, als er sofort, obwohl das Wartezimmer voll ist, zum Doktor vorgelassen wird.
„Es gibt da ein kleines Problem“ sagt der Arzt. „Irgendwie sind die Untersuchungsbefunde durcheinander gekommen. Bei ihrer Frau ergeben sich daraus zwei Möglichkeiten. Entweder hat sie AIDS oder sie leidet an der Alzheimer Krankheit.“
„Mein Gott“ „sagt der erschrockene Mann. „Das ist ja schrecklich! Und was soll ich Ihrer Meinung nach nun tun?“
„Machen Sie mit Ihrer Frau einen Ausflug in die Petermann Ranges. Und lassen Sie sie dort allein zurück!“ meinte der Arzt. „Und dann?“ fragte gespannt der Mann.
„Falls sie zurück kommt, würde ich Ihnen empfehlen, nicht mehr mit ihr zu schlafen!“ war die Antwort.
ditido

[ditido]

Some of someones favorite airline funnies.
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
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Overheared on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Vielleicht sollte man sich den Flug mit einer amerikanische Airline doch überlegen?
ditido

[ditido]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

[ditido]

The moon landings are faked! Heroic images or NASA fraud? At last we have the conclusive proof! Just the sort of info that every Aussie bloke needs to know for intellectual conversation at the BBQ.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[ditido]

In einem maroden Vorort von Sydney verlässt gerade eine Menschengruppe, überwiegend Aborigines, nach einem Gottesdienst das örtliche Gemeindezentrum. Aus Sicht der Aborigines sei es ein Witz, dass die Weißen das Wetter vorhersagen könnten, erzählt Pastor Johnny Murison: "Ein alter Aborigine in der Gemeinde wurde gefragt: 'Onkel, wie wird das Wetter diesen Winter?' Aber weil er nicht in seiner Tradition aufgewachsen war, kannte er die Geheimnisse des Wetterlesens nicht. Da er schlau war, rief er den Wetterdienst an. Sie sagten: 'Oh, es wird sehr kalt, rüsten Sie sich lieber.' Also ging er zurück zu seiner Gemeinde und sagte: 'Hey, ihr alle, dieses Jahr wird der Winter kalt, also sammelt Feuerholz.' Eine Woche später fragten sie ihn wieder: 'Onkel, wie schlimm wird der Winter?' Er antwortete: 'Ich gehe einmal spazieren.' Die ganze Zeit denken sie, er geht um das Wetter zu lesen. Aber er ruft wieder beim Wetterdienst an und fragt: 'Okay, wie kalt wird es?' – 'Es wird bitterkalt.' Er fragt: 'Woher wisst ihr das alles?' – 'Nun, die Aborigines sammeln alle wie verrückt Feuerholz!'"